A Year of Patience

serious one this time around. not me being silly and goofy like I have been most recently. I am not going to post this on Facebook where a lot of my friends may see it. so, this is exclusively for you. Only you, who are subscribed to my blog, or you who stumbled upon it whichever way you did.

As you might know I am a believer in the Baha’i Faith. The Faith places great importance on family life. Calling Marriage, a “fortress for wellbeing”. The sacredness of the institution of marriage is deeply rooted in the teachings of the faith as it promotes unity, love and harmony. The Faith promises the emergence of a peaceful united world which requires a united family at its core.  due to that station of the institution of marriage, there are laws and teachings in place to protect it. Teachings that require the couple to investigate each other’s character prior to getting engaged. it requires all living natural parents to give consent to this union. It also has the couple promise each other to abide by the will of God as their vows to start that relationship.

Marriage is not easy. all of you married people out there know that better than anyone else. as challenges rise between married couples the faith offers teachings to help guide them through these challenges. this is where the term “year of patience” comes from. If a couple are struggling to continue their relationship they may request to start a year of patience from their local institution (an administrative committee that handles the affairs of the Baha’is in a locality). The first duty of that institution is to try to help the couple to reconcile. If the efforts reach a halt and the couple is irreconcilable, then a year of patience may commence. The year of patience requires that the couple live apart. And that they actively try to reconcile the marriage during this year. If the year lapses and they can’t reconcile then they may start the process for divorce.

So here we go. My wife and I have been in a Year of Patience for almost 3 months now. She moved out of the house. She lives nearby so she can have easy access to our 3 kids who currently stay with me. She sees them every day after work/school and puts them to sleep a couple to a few nights a week. And she spends every other weekend with them.

This has been one of the hardest decisions I had to make. Saying goodbye to the dream I always had around family and children hurt so much. I will keep this to one page for now, maybe future posts will follow. For now, I just wanted to put it out there.

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Driving on the wrong side

people drive on the “right” side of the road where I grew up. My mom and my dad gave me my first driving lessons. Years later when I bought my first car I had already moved to country where people drive on the left side of the road. It took a fair bit of adjustment and eventually I got there. not the best driver in the world but I do alright.

Earlier this month my father came to stay with us for a few months, given the nature of where we live, he will need to drive to get places, so, I get to teach him to drive on the “wrong” side of the road. and what fun that is.

My father was an army officer for a big part of his career, he was a leader in many aspects of his work whether in the army or after that in other professions he pursued. so having him sit in the student seat is certainly an uncomfortable change for him, add to that the teacher is his son.

In many ways this experience was worth reflecting on for me. The number of thoughts flooded through my head the emotions/feelings that bubbled up caught my attention. I am sitting in the passenger seat teaching my father the road code, having to learn how to communicate that and be aware of how it’s being understood and monitor how it is being applied as my father drives.  I am also remembering how he taught me to drive, how he reacted to my mistakes. Monitoring my emotions and being who I want to be when the roles reversed, especially when I am simultaneously fearing for my life, my car (and others on the road) when he makes mistakes that scare me.

The good news I was open to my father about the process I am going through and he was open about his process. while the end goal for this effort is for him to drive safely and effectively on the left side of the road a by-product of this effort will be individual growth and an improved relationship between my father and I.

Thanks for Reading.

Falling in and out of love … Being in love

Before I start, I have to say this is not an original Idea of mine. I.e. I didn’t come up with it nor invent it. Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop me from sharing it in my own words.

I guess the title Kind of says it all but being the talkative person I am I will take joy in explaining the obvious. We never plan to fall unless you are bungee jumping (bad joke) but yeah seriously we don’t, it just happens outside of our control I.e. we are not responsible. In the same way, falling in love is something that happens to us. we contribute nothing in the process other than reacting to the fall, racing heart rates, sleepless nights, butterflies in the stomach etc. etc. it is all happening to us and we are just reacting but not in any way responsible.

If falling in love happens to us without us interfering then falling out of it is the natural thing to happen next, also without us interfering. It will happen to us, we will find ourselves suddenly “not in love” anymore or even forgetting why we loved that person in the first place. Moreover, even go as far as to question, “did we even love that person or was it an illusion” but the important part is we fell, be it in or out it just happened and we did not make it happen.

It just makes things easier doesn’t it? We won’t have to take responsibility for our failing relationships nor take credit for our successful ones. Because they just happen. I remember one of my friends asking “why do I always fall in love with bad guys” and I have to say she wasn’t the only one who made such comment and in my head it was always because it happened to them and they had nothing to do with it.

Being in love, and I can’t begin to claim to know what that means but from the name if you are being in love with someone you become loving, caring, responsive. You take actions, you do things that someone in love would do, you help, you remember anniversaries and buy presents, you are BEING in love, it is a state of being that you create and you have control over it. In addition, when you are being in love, you are responsible, you make life happen rather than react to life as it happens to you. if you are being in love you can take credit for a working relationship and even share your learning with others to help them with their relationships and if you are in a relationship that doesn’t work you take responsibility for why it doesn’t and acknowledge your share of the process and as you realize that you’re responsible, you can then make the choice to work on it and restore it.

May we all be in love so we stop falling out of it.

Resentful or careful still painful

Careful? or am I just resentful? I used to tell myself that I need to choose my battles or as someone once said “happiness is the ability to sacrifise what you want now for what you want eventually” and I thought that is what I was doing. I thought was being “smart” about what things to bring up and what things to just let go off cause it is not worth it. Little did I know that overtime there is magically a build up of things (amazing how fast that happens) and then it reaches a point where resentment kicks in and it is hard to talk about anything cause it is just not going to fix anything. it will always be like this and even though I hate it, i just gotta live with it. and it shows and I have no clue what to do about it.